Gary and the Mystery of the Missing Lunch
by super ario
Summary: Alphas parody. Crack fic. Something like that.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Don't take this one too seriously. I wrote this late one night when I was feeling rather silly. I found it on my blog and figured that someone else might find it amusing too. No hard feelings, okay? _

_Disclaimer: Not even touching it_.

* * *

One day Gary got picked up by Dr Rosen and dropped off at the office. Some hours later, at lunch time, he realized that his lunch had been stolen. He decided to hunt down the thief who ate his lunch and used Rachel's super eyes to follow a trail of crumbs to Bill's office.

"AHA!" Said Gary. "I knew it was you, you THIEF."

Then Gary decided to get his revenge on Bill. So when Bill wasn't looking sometime later, Gary stole his car keys and laughed all evil-like. It was really cute but he was trying to sound menacing. "Take that Bill," Gary cackled as he snuck out of the office and went into the parking lot. "You steal my lunch, I steal your car."

Gary took Bill's car for a joy ride. He first went to McDonalds and used the money he'd also stolen from BIll's wallet (Bill wasn't looking) and got himself a double cheeseburger and an oreo McFlurry and then ordered an M&M McFlurry for dessert and then he sped off again in search of what to do. He was a good driver cuz he'd memorized a driver's manual from the DMV he got for Christmas. He thought about hitting Vegas but decided against it since it was kind of a long drive from New York and he'd be kind of bored without anyone to talk to. So he decided to take a drive to Bill's house and see what else he could find there and take for revenge. Gary parked the car in the driveway and opened the door to the house and walked in. Bill's wife was there cooking dinner cuz that's what all women do apparently and Gary smiled an evil smile. He had an idea.

"HA! You steal my lunch, I steal your wife!"

So then Gary and Bill's wife had an affair (shh, it's a secret) and then Gary took some of her dinner to go and left the house. He drove to the drive-in theatre to eat his dinner while he watched the new Step Up movie and then he decided that he'd had enough fun (he and Bill's wife had done a giant floor puzzle and it had taken them hours to complete) and he should return to the office so he could rub it in Bill's face. So Gary tossed the empty tupper container and drove to Queens where he found Bill and the team waiting for him outside, BIll looking angry and everyone else concerned.

"Gary, where ya been? We been lookin' for ya, ya had us worried. You missed 9:30."

"Ya, Gary. You're too beautiful a boy to go off wandering by yourself! You had us worried sick, we thought we'd never get to see your innocent face again."

"Well, check it out bitches," he said, exiting the car and showing everyone the flashy jumpsuit he was now wearing. (He'd picked it up in Vegas. He'd decided to go after all.) He turned in a circle to show off his outfit.

"Whoooa," the team oohed and aahed.

"Damn Gary, where'd ya get your clothes at?" Hicks asked. Gary thought Hicks was so cool. Now Gary was the cool one. And Hicks was the Gary. "Hey maybe we could go shopping together sometime."

"No can do my man," Gary rejected. "I have a date tomorrow with Bill's wife. Gotta finish what we started."

"WHICH IS WHAT?" Bill demanded.

"The second floor puzzle," Gary answered. "Relax, B."

"B?"

"Yeah, as in next time B more careful and don't eat my lunch."

THE END.

(Thank God.)


	2. Chapter 2

Two weeks had past since the incident where Bill had eaten Gary's lunch. Bill had thankfully paid for his mistakes and learned from them as well and he never did it again. Gary had taken his revenge on the hyperadrenal (or something) by stealing his car keys and some money and taking a joy ride to McDonalds and to Las Vegas and to the man's own house to do floor puzzles with his wife. Bill told himself to be more careful and he made sure to check whose lunch it was before he ate it. It didn't matter if it was Rachel's or Nina's or Hicks' or even Dr Rosen's. As long as it didn't say GARY on it then it was ok.

Hicks though was not nearly as careful. When Gary had stepped out of Bill's car that day in the parking lot he had been so wowwed. Gary was like the coolest dude in the whole entire world from that moment on, dressed in his new flashy jumpsuit he'd gotten in Vegas. Hicks was always the cool guy on the show but now that role was played by Gary, who was also really cute and like everyone's favorite. Gary had always looked up to Hicks but now it was the opposite. Hicks wanted desperately to be bestfriends with Gary, maybe even go shopping for jumpsuits together sometime. Preferably matching ones with diamond studded rhinestones and gold zippers. When he had complimented him and asked him to go shopping Gary had rejected him, and in front of everyone. Hicks was mortified.

He watched Gary and Nina talking in the breakroom with stalker-eyes and shook his head. He was so jealous. Gary and Nina had always been kind of close. But now they were closer than ever. They were standing not even an inch apart. Gary had had the girls flocking 'round him since he'd returned from his revenge trip. Hicks didn't care about the girls, he cared about the fame and mostly he cared about being accepted by Gary, who was an autistic transducer and also like the most badass guy that ever existed.

"Hm," Hicks said. "I've got to think of a plan to get Gary to go out with me sometime."

He really wanted one of those jumpsuits. He thought about asking Gary again to accompany him and give him a stylist's kind of advice while he picked out his outfit but he was too nervous that the offer would be denied right in front of the others again. So he decided that he would have to try something else. He left the office, not even bothering to let anyone know where he was going and hurried home. The music was dramatic. Hicks kicked the door open in his rush and grabbed some rope from the closet. He had always carried rope in his home in case he needed it someday. He was so smart to think that. Then he got some duct tape and then he grabbed some bread and made a quick sandwich but that was mostly because he hadn't eaten any lunch yet. Then he had another idea. He threw the sandwich away (what a waste!) and hurried back to the office. There he saw Bill and Nina and Gary and Rachel talking. Bill was eating his lunch (it was really his) but he was the only one.

Perfect timing! Hicks thought. He strode over to the fridge and grabbed Gary's lunch. Gary turned around and looked at him like he was crazy.

"What are you doing with my lunch, Hicks?"

"I'M EATING IT," Hicks replied, swallowing the entire lunch bag whole because there was really no time to open it and take the things out and swallow them one by one. Then he popped open the thermos and chugged the beverage (whatever it was) and threw the thermos on the floor, as everyone's jaw was open in awe.

"Hey, what the heck?" Gary growled, grabbing his thermos. "That was my lunch!"

"Well, what ya gonna do about it?" Hicks asked. "I was hungry. Big boy's gotta eat when he's hungry. Yours was the first thing I could find."

"Hey, that's a lie. You did that on purpose."

"No. And just so you can't steal my car I'm gonna go sit in it."

Hicks took off running. Gary threw a bunch of marbles on the floor so he would trip but Hicks used his hyperkinetic (or something) powers and missed everyone one of them. He ran out of the building and into the parking lot where he awaited Gary. Dr Rosen came out of his office hearing the commotion.

"What's uh…what's going on?" He asked, patiently.

"Hicks ate my lunch! He says that I can't steal his car with him sitting in it but I'm going to do it anyway!" Gary cried out manly. It was time for revenge again. He would have to hurry though cuz he was meeting Bill's wife again later that evening. With that Gary ran out before anyone could stop him.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS," he cackled maniacally as he sped down the hall and out the building. He ran into the parking lot and stopped dead in his tracks. Where was Hicks' car? And most importantly…where was Hicks? Gary looked around and even searched in the sky with his transducer-esque powers but he couldn't find Hicks anywhere. He was scanning the cameras in New York when suddenly he felt something hit him from behind and everything went black…

It was a dramatic change because he was seeing lots of colors and stuff. Then it got black.

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

RIGHT NOW…

Gary collapsed onto the ground. Hicks exited the car and looked over the cool Gary laying there on the floor in front of his car. He looked around to make sure nobody saw him and then he grabbed Gary by his legs and pulled his lifeless body into the car. He then sped away into the night (I don't know why but it's night time now, it looks cooler that way in my head) while the dramatic music continued to play, DA DA DA DA DA DAAAAA ~.

TO BE CONTINUED. (AGAIN)…

* * *

ALSO RIGHT NOW...

When Gary woke up the first thing he knew was that he had a headache. He wondered for a split second if Anna had been at fault but then he had remembered that he'd been sitting in the breakroom being cool while everyone surrounded him and then the next minute he was chasing after Hicks who had eaten his lunch. Gary tried to move but he found he couldn't cuz he was tied up in rope and he was laying in a closet. It was dark but there was some light coming from beside him. He turned his head and saw Hicks sitting there, crouched beside him with the flashlight shining in his face as if he was telling a ghost story. It was a really creepy position.

"Hicks…..?" Gary asked.

Hicks placed his fingers on Gary's lips and shushed him in a whispered tone. "Shh, it's okay. Don't speak."

Gary blinked. "What did you do to me? Why am I tied up? Where are we?"

"We're at my house," Hicks replied. "We're in my closet. I tied you up cuz I was afraid you would try to run away. I need to speak with you about something urgent."

"You tied me up because you thought I would try to run away?" Gary demanded. "Well, that's a stupid idea! I wouldn't have run away if you hadn't given me a reason. You ate my lunch, Hicks. You know I hate it when people do that. My name was on it and everything. And you dented my thermos. It wasn't made to collide with the ground like that. You're going to have to pay me back for it cuz my mother's not going to be happy."

"Yeah, yeah, just forget your mother for now. I'm going to take good care of you."

Gary thought that was kind of creepy. Hicks stood up and flicked the light on. The closet was small and the only thing on the shelf was an old game of Battleship. Perhaps they would play later. Perhaps he even had some floor puzzles.

"Why am I here?"

"Because, we need to talk," Cameron said. He turned the flashlight off and set it down on the shelf. "Listen, about the other day…two weeks ago…you know, when you got back from Vegas? And you were wearing that sexy little outfit?"

"Yeah?"

"I asked you if you wanted to go shopping with me sometime but you said no. You rejected me…in front of our colleagues, no less. Do you have any idea what that means to me?"

Gary was beginning to understand. Hicks was just jealous of him. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."

"Well, I do, Gary. I do. You're so cool, man. Everyone loves you. Everyone thinks you're funny and adorable and everyone's writing fanfictions about you. Well, I wish people would write fanfictions about me. How can I get written about and be the favorite if I don't have a jumpsuit?"

"Hicks, that's silly." Gary replied, "You'll never be written about. Now un-tie me and let me go. I've got to meet Bill's wife in 20 minutes. We're going to finish our floor puzzle."

"No way."

"No, really. It's huge. It's about the ocean."

"No, I meant no way as in no way am I letting you go," Hicks clarified.

"What do you mean you're not letting me go?" Gary wondered. "I have obligations."

"Gary, use your precious head for a second. I'm not letting you go because you're my hostage."

"Hostage?"

"We're going to go shopping. There's no time for you to do floor puzzles."

Gary was angry and devastated. He loved floor puzzles, and he loved Bill's wife. Nothing would stand in his way. He began to thrash in his bounds but the rope was tied around him real good. Hicks then grabbed some duct tape from his pocket (or somewhere) and then bent down and placed it over Gary's mouth.

"There. Now you can't say no to me."

Gary started to yell at Hicks but it was all muffled so Hicks had no idea what he was saying. That was what the duct tape was for, that's what it was supposed to do. Pleased with his captive, Hicks turned the light off and left the cool Gary squirming in the closet as he shut the door behind him and went to take a shower. They were gonna go shopping for matching jumpsuits and he needed to look good and feel refreshed and clean.

"Oh my God," Gary thought to himself as he was left in the dark. "I've been kidnapped."


End file.
